a Game of Fate

Something that really upsets me and has been on my mind lately is when people don’t take responsibility for their own actions. If there were less finger pointing, placing the blame on everyone else, and more focus on trying to make YOURSELF better, it would help. Is it easy to admit you made a mistake? To admit you aren’t perfect? To admit you could have hurt someone you care about? No, it’s not always easy, but taking a step in the right direction will not only help you, but maybe even the person who’s affected, and will also help you gain understanding of why and how this can be avoided in the future. Taking responsibility for your own actions.

Thinking back to less recent moments, the first to pop into my head is the first night I met andi. It’s only fair to honor a lady who is extremely strong, driven and just all around wonderful, and through her wonderfulNESS, I have met so many more incredible people. It’s only fair to appreciate all that is andi. No capital a, no y or ie, just andi.

I’m fairly positive she hates this picture, but it’s all I have from that night. The night of total confusion! The first night I recall being in downtown Detroit, walking in a pot hole the size of a crater, trying to find Hard Rock while nearly running into a limo in the meantime. Matt & I either heard a gun shot, or a car backfire, and that’s all it took for poor suburbia kids to go running back to the car.

I immediately called her & was like uhh NOT WORKING, is there another place?! lol. I was on Monroe, she thought I was IN Monroe – so cute.

I remember trying to find I-75, pulling over to look at a map, and a drunk homeless lady came up & started banging on the car window. I took off full speed in a parking lane, ran a red light, took a turn down 8 mile and miraculously found I-75.

We trucked it north, until we found a spot that everyone was familiar with.

I met andilox and Brian (who still has a piece of my heart, andi!), the future Chef of America. I remember her ordering a cherry Coke, specifically NOT a normal Cherry Coke, but her own way. and I thought it was such a cute thing, until the story of the salsa/ketchup bottle came into play.

All other memories aside, meeting her for the first time was so cool. We deemed April our month, though it’s been a few years since I last saw her. We grew into really great friends through the many years we’ve known each other, and I hope we continue down that same path. She’s a great person that anyone would be lucky to have in their life.

Love ya, loxy!

This has been a month of travel, which if you know me- you know how happy this makes me. Always a gypsy at heart, never staying in one place for too long, I am enjoying my current stance at work. Not only is a great escape at a better time, it’s dodging all sorts of problems that have been brewing, which I have, uncontrollably, found myself in the middle of.

Without going into much detail, the main stress in the month of August has been my job. I will not get dooced.

While being a wallflower in the midst of this, I have noticed changes in my personal and professional life – none of which I can talk about. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I really only open myself up to a few people. Sorry.

Someone once told me that you should bare no regrets in life, and since I heard that more than ten years ago, I have lived under that notion. I have very little regret, except one or two.. one being: I wish I could have met my best friend earlier in life. It’s crazy, how we lived so incredibly close to each other, yet we never knew each other until just before I moved. If I could change one thing, I would go back in time and fix that. So I don’t know if that’s considered a regret or not, but it’s the closest thing I have.

I can’t say this is my favorite, but it’s by far the most memorable.

When I had my drivers permit, my mom would take me to cemeteries to drive. One in particular, and the name eludes me, had hills and turns like most of the streets in a normal city, so it WAS good practice!

On my sixteenth birthday, before I went on the street by myself for the first time with my real license, my mom, cousin and I went to the cemetery so I could get used to the turns and hills before going out. I was so nervous that I kept driving around, for maybe a half hour.

As soon as I was ready to go on the street, we found an exit. It was chained up. We drove around, found another exit, that was also chained up. We drove around some more, found another car and followed them to see how they would get out – only to see them find a dead end as well. It turns out, the two of us as well as a couple that were walking around were all locked inside of the cemetery.

Thankfully, a cop drove by within 20 minutes and thought it must be weird if we’re all bunched up in the same corner, trying to get out. He made joke after joke before calling the caretaker, to which we finally got out.

And I actually have not been back to that cemetery or any that are locked up since.

As I shuffle through the memories that surface first- buying my first car, meeting Matt for the first time, my last visit with Krissy, my first road trip alone, being knocked unconscious in softball, getting engaged, being at the hospital when Courtney was born, hearing about Tyler being born, the day we took Cosmo home, moving into this house, our first camping experience, our first painting experience- my favorite memory is tucked away in a safe place. It’s very personal & I don’t want to publish the details for all to see.

I would like “What is a free pass to the next question?” for three hundred, Alex.

When I was younger, I thought I had my entire life planned out. Well, actually I had until I was 30 planned out, because in my mind back then, once you’re 30, nothing else matters. I desperately wanted to be a teacher. My friend Tessa & I would play school for hours & hours every single day in her grandma’s basement. She had really old school desks that we would put Kid Sister & Baby Alive in while we used a chalk board that took up over half of her basement wall. We had old school books and red pens to use on papers she took to a copier and made for us. We even had lesson plans. We were it, clearly.

I had it in my mind that I would be married by 22, have two kids.. one at 26 and the other at 28. I would live in Cincinnati with my husband, two kids and dog. Oh, and I was going to drive a corvette.

It’s so funny when I look back at that, and not a single piece of it came true!

When I was a teenager, my dreams shifted. I left my desire to be a teacher behind with the corvette, and now aspired to be in Communication Arts. I wanted to put my creativity to good use & saw on outlet in Marketing. Before my father passed away, he taught me how to use a program called HTML32. He and my brother made me my very own website, and in that, a dream was born.

For years, I was obsessed with web design. I met so many friends and contacts that I still have through the massive field of it. I would sketch web sites while I was in school. I had notebook after notebook in my backpack/purse and as soon as I had an idea, I’d write it or sketch it. I learned Flash, java, HTML, css, etc, by the age of 15. I was fueled by insomnia and Mountain Dew and I found myself designing at 2, 3, 4 in the morning, before I went to school, in notebooks while I was at school, and after school.

When I graduated, I went to college for Communication Arts and Marketing. I met a teacher in an Audio&Video Production that wanted me to go to ETSU (Eastern Tennessee) so badly that he called his old teacher, had him look over my portfolio, and I was offered a scholarship. I declined it, without thinking twice. I didn’t want to be away from home. I was nineteen at the time.

Somewhere between being nineteen and twenty, I seemed to have lost my mind. I took a leave from school after switching my major seven times, and I took up drinking. A lot of that year was a complete blur to me. Most of the ‘friends’ I met then haven’t ventured out of that phase yet, but there are a few that I’ve kept with me. It was, for those that know Twilight, the New Moon. The darkest of my days, the battle of depression, the beginning of panic attacks, and some of the worst decisions I ever made in my life – including not taking that scholarship.

When I was twenty, I took a chance to leave that life behind – the life of more than 365 days straight of drinking. I walked away without looking back, and I drove to Michigan where I met Matt. It only took a psychologist, a psychic, and having dreams of my father taking me down another road to get my mind back in order.

For some reason, I’ve been afraid to go back to school. I’m not entirely sure why, and I wish I could jump that hurdle. I know an education is important, and I love learning, but for me, getting my life together took priority. Little did I know that I would eventually leave everything behind and move out of state, which is the exact thing I didn’t want to do at nineteen.

Present day: I am not yet married, though engaged. I am twenty-eight and have had neither kid that was in my plan when I was younger. I do not drive a corvette, and the idea of putting two car seats in it now makes me laugh hysterically. How unsafe would that be? Everything I wanted to be is buried in the past, and I honestly couldn’t be further away from what I thought I wanted.

I’m currently working at a great Orthopedic practice, one that strives on teaching everything hands on. I never in my life gave the medical field more than a bat of an eye, yet here I am. I’m settling down, flirting with the idea of kids sometime in the next few years, having mild panic attacks about planning a wedding, and missing home every breath I take. I’m sitting on over 10k worth of credit card debt from college, and I have no Bachelors to show for it. I still think having a degree is important, and would remove a salary ceiling for the future, but it’s not the end of the world not having one. In fact, some of my very best friends – ones that I couldn’t survive without – are people that have conquered life, and not college.

In summary, my dreams are to be happy. To keep my head above water. To have a healthy life, with a man I love and to have children that are showered with love and happiness, and support. I don’t know what my purpose is in life, but I am having a great time trying to figure it out.

Nothing impressive, I’ll say that much! I wore my hunter green Villager (MSU related) t-shirt with shorts to the walk, but I came back & switched to jeans. I have my starfish necklace, my black & green bracelet, engagement ring & flippy flops.

This week was a long one, though I’m not sure why. It just felt like no matter what I was doing, the days were dragging by.

Monday I worked in Charlevoix by myself, and well, also the ghost. We’re becoming good friends. I leave her alone, she leaves me alone, but we let each other know we’re there.

Tuesday I worked in Charlevoix with two co-workers and a doctor. The thing I remember most about Tuesday was Dr. McMurray asking me what he thought was a simple question, but long story short, it wasn’t fast. or simple. I don’t know doctor lingo, so I was completely thrown for a loop. After all was said and done, had he added one more word into his question, I would have known exactly what he meant!

After work, I went with Mike and Matt to pick up Mike’s car, and then we had dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. It was relaxing. I also received the cutest text, from my cousin Greg:

Court is at my house, I just jumped down on my last step mocking her and hit my head on the ceiling. “hehe, just like manda!” made my night.

Good to know my clumsiness has left quite the legacy. ;D

Wednesday I worked in Charlevoix again, this time with Christina. She & I are a lot alike so any time I get to spend with her, I enjoy. After work I believe I came home and took a 3 hour coma, woke up, took my pills and went back to bed. I’ve had an ongoing headache for three days at this point.

Thursday I worked in Charlevoix agaaaaain, but this time with Heather & Sarah. It was nice because I rarely ever work with those two, and I love them. It was a half day, which was cool because over at that office you can actually leave once you get caught up. I sat in the stupid bridge traffic for 40 minutes, but still came home earlier than I normally would have. It was a nice day!

Oh, and I tried to go for a run, but my MP3 player battery died & I ran into the wall while trying to put my shoes on. Add that with 92 degrees and I decided to not run.

Friday I worked in Petoskey. Nice to be back to my home office. Time goes by so much faster there because it’s busier. The doctors bought us lunch (Applebee’s), which was sweet. We tried to put together a plan for getting a massive amount of work done in a short amount of time, but I don’t think we all could agree on an actual plan. Go figure. :/

After work, we met up with Mike and had dinner at the bowling alley. Waitress wasn’t the best by any means. I ordered a soup before my dinner and she brought it out with it (one of my pet peeves..), so I didn’t eat it because honestly I can’t consume that much food at the same time. She took it off my bill without me asking, smart girl.

Then we headed to a sports store & then back to Mike’s where we hung out for a while. I watched Tommy Boy for the first time ever. Fun times just relaxing in air conditioning!

Today was just.. a disaster. I was supposed to meet Matt’s mom & family at a Relay for Life event. He arranged it so I’d meet his mom at her house (Matt was golfing), so I went there & she wasn’t back yet. I thought I’d try to save her a trip and meet her there, but I couldn’t find anyone. I looked everywhere. Jumped back in my car, thought I’d drive to the other side, but I ended up getting lost. My head was pounding at this point.. this headache had been brewing since Monday and was officially at it’s peak. I ended up going back home, frustrated that nothing went right & I didn’t have anyone’s cell to call them. I came back home & started reading a book, but my head hurt. So I started watching Young Victoria, and fell asleep for 3 hours. Matt woke me up with the same pounding headache. We then went to Steve’s for a party, and I felt good for about an hour and a half.. but now it’s back again. Came home, watered the family of shrubs (having a house and a lawn you want to look good IS HARD WORK.), changed the water in the aqua globes of the eight inside plants, fed the cat and the fish, and here I am updating. How boring, huh?

Tomorrow is (hopefully) a lazy day. I’d love to do nothing.