a Game of Fate

If I’ve learned anything so far in life, it’s to expect the unexpected, and to never ask what else can happen. This week has been a complete whirlwind and I never thought I would look forward to my boring life, but it’s true – I long for the normalcy and routines. Most of all, I can’t wait to sleep through that night again.

Just something I found humorous:

a few weeks ago, my mom broke her pinky toe.

last week, I ripped the nail off my middle toe and possibly broke it.

this week, my brother broke his big toe.

I am home for at least a week. I miss my fiancee and my kitty, but other than that, life is great!

Every once in a while I have a random thought or dream that makes me think I am like, 1/10th psychic, or something. For instance, I will be doing something routine and a person I haven’t seen or talked to in years pops into my head, only to hear from them a few days later. Or I’ll have dreams of a place I’ve never seen before, and within two weeks.. I end up at this place. (this happens a lot as I am still living in an area I’ve only lived in for three years.)

One major thing lately, is in the end of May I had a thought of Natalee Holloway. Since the day it was reported that she went missing, I’ve been glued to this story – mostly because I loved Aruba, but also because.. how could you not be? I just felt and still feel so awful for her mom and her family and friends.

Around the last week of May, I went to Family Video and rented the Natalee Holloway story. I watched it. twice. and then another time, and then I made Matt watch it and since then we’ve watched it twice together. Not that it’s like OMG THAT MOVIE IS AMAAAAZZZZIINNNG, but just wow.. how many stories can Joran tell and why did he get away with it over & over? Of course I know the answer to that, but it still doesn’t justify.

So after the second time of watching her story, I googled Joran to see if I missed anything because hello, I live under a rock anymore. I’m so secluded from even my friends and family let alone the outside world.

The first website I found was updated 11 minutes ago, and I thought “yeah right..”, but I clicked on it anyway – and what I found was nerve wrecking. He was being taken into custody for killing (another) woman. I felt sick all over and I can’t imagine what either family was thinking.

Ever since that day a few weeks ago, I’ve been obsessive checking any source of news I can. I’ve been reading older documents, old interviews. I think I’ve watched every YouTube interview involving either Natalee or Joran. I watched the 20/20 episode with his ex-girlfriend, and I’ve even found sites from when he was younger. It’s hard to tell what’s more disturbing – how he changed so quickly, or how involved I’ve been. How two of three countries couldn’t do anything but hopefully the third can. Whatever happens, happens, but I just want justice for Natalee, and of course for the Flores family as well.

ten years ago, i graduated high school.
ten years ago, i threw away the worst memories of my life in search for happier ones.
ten years ago, i averted away from the cliques and embraced being myself.
ten years ago, i barely opened my mouth.
ten years ago, i revolted against routine.
ten years ago, i went on a search to find what it was i needed.
ten years ago, i couldn’t cook grilled cheese.
ten years ago, i thought i could only have one best friend.
ten years ago, i was dealing with depression & hating doctors.
ten years ago, i had $168 in my checking account.
ten years ago, i lived in a big city and had street smarts.
ten years ago, i fell in love..

present day, i am constantly evolving from the cliques i evaded and still embrace being myself.
present day, i probably still have $168 in my checking account, but i’ve earned everything i own.
present day, i fell ‘in love’, and fell out. and fell ‘in love’ again, and fell out.
present day, i am engaged to my best friend.
present day, i barely ever shut up.
present day, i feel weird if i step outside of my routine.
present day, i can make lasagna from scratch.
present day, i have many good friends, and a few best friends.
present day, i’m still dealing with & have been diagnosed with depression and panic disorder, and now work for doctors.
present day, i live in a rural area & have learned more about hunting and butchering animals than i ever thought i would.
present day, i realize that the search to find what i need is ongoing, and that’s what makes life so fun. it never stops. once a search is complete, another begins.

I have to say that… after making a deal with myself, May has definitely been better than April. I made it a point to enjoy life more, and it feels like I did just that.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved Starfish, but it wasn’t until the last three or four years that I have been on a quest to find the perfect starfish necklace. I’ve looked in shops when I’ve been on vacation, and I’ve searched online. I’ve found a lot of cute necklaces that I’ve wanted to purchase and then decided against. Up until the other night, none caught my eye like this one:

It’s simple, it’s brass, it has the pearls and honestly I just fell in love with it. I bought it from this gem and should have it soon.

That’s not to say my quest is over, but I am definitely happy with what I’ve found thusfar!

1) Rhett Butler: I’m not asking you to forgive me. I’ll never understand or forgive myself. And if a bullet gets me, so help me, I’ll laugh at myself for being an idiot. There’s one thing I do know… and that is that I love you, Scarlett. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. Because we’re alike. Bad lots, both of us. Selfish and shrewd. But able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names.

2) Rhett Butler: You’re like the thief who isn’t the least bit sorry he stole, but is terribly, terribly sorry he’s going to jail.

3) Rhett Butler: With enough courage, you can do without a reputation.

4) Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett… Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

5) Prissy: Lawzy, we got to have a doctor. I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ babies.

There are so many more, as this movie is truly BRILLIANT!, but these are my five favorite.

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.
~-Friedrich Nietzsche